The word verb seems to have an identity crisis in that, even though it calls itself a verb and defines a particular set of words, it would be categorized as a noun in a set of words, not a verb. It is not really self-defining, and almost self-destructive as it is not self-referential, its true nature is not embedded in its definition, there's no internal consistancy. I'd like to try to abstract it from itself, I'm sure there's a way, but I'm not thoughtful enough, logical enough. Things as simple as cause and effect and time confuse me; in my frustration, I project my anger by refering to them as group delusions, as though I were superior and non-participatory myself.
Perhaps the word verb and it's noun-ness is just a simple problem of categorization by the observer, not one of self-identity and self-application. Kinda like social constructs of race, class, and gender. Most people have instinctive knowledge that, even though they are an individual person, they are identified with particular social groups dependent on their characteristics, and they reinforce the identification by aligning themselves with the particular group. Some may characterize these group associations as merely a desire to associate with those who share common interests or characteristics. To me, social indoctrination necessitates that we affiliate; it is not an intrinsic freedom or decision made based on an individual's desire. For example, a person born with male genitalia and thus characterized as a man may embody typical female-gendered personality traits. He may feel as though he were a woman born into the wrong body and may wish to identify as a woman because of that. Even though he, as an individual, feels that he is a female by gender, his desire to associate his identity with that of a woman will not translate within the social milieu. So as long as his physical characteristics dictate that he is male, he will be treated as one, affiliated with that group. A person cannot be abstracted from the group in which society forces them to identify, even if the person personally does not desire to associate. I'd like to try to abstract I from myself, transcend categorization. I'm sure there's a way...
I have a lot of reading to do. On Saturday, four small crates full of Philosophy and Metaphysics books were donated to the bookstore and of course I got first dibs. They were clearly meant for me, in a common fit of synchronocity, a gift from the "sub"Conscious (ill-named) casting its net out into the sea of possibility and bringing the desired object(s) forth from the source.
Of note, "The Astral Plane" by C.W. Leadbeater published in 1915 in London, and "The Science of the Aura" by S.G.J Ouseley, also from London, June 1949. I wonder what strange careers these books have had, the adventures of their owners, and what journey they took to land in my hands on that rainy autumn afternoon.
Hibernation will be spent studying, spent mind/soul searching, writing and synthesizing information to construct some theories. I'd like to emerge from the other end of winter with at least 1 philosophical essay (written in the tradition of the ones I enjoy reading) and 1 complete sci phi story (or the completion of one already being written). Its ambitious given my attention span, but if I cut out the main distractions, it will manifest. Energy + motivation has never been an issue, but lack of focus and my inability to delay immediate pleasure has always been a hindrance to producing steady creative works. I'd like to eat healthier, too. My energy level is amazing to me as is, so I imagine the many possibilities created by more sleep, less drinking, better eating from now until spring, when the hedonist in me will undoubtedly break itself free from the prison of my self-imposed solitude. I just want to turn down the background noise, stand aside, be as motionless as possible for a moment, slow down the rotation, etc.
