where are we?

for us, could things go in reverse? we are transcendant, indeed, of time and space and of constraints like cause and effect. we are blessed with the ability to unsplinter ourselves until we are whole again. where there is dissection, coalesce, re-mix. allow me to remain threaded into your memories, present-past-future. i know a secret entry point.

with all highs come their inevitable lows. i definitely need to work on perfecting that formula for perpetual happiness. the extremes i must live with, born into this body, onto this rotating planet beneath those stars. i think i involuntarily strive to reach a balance that i will never achieve, what with my aries sun and libra rising at odds, mars and venus raging interplanetary wars.

i had nightmares two days in a row, and they placed me in a genuine state of fear. nightmares tend not to scare me, im usually pretty amused by them and find them intellectually interesting in their own way, but these ones in particular were unusual, eerie dream experiences that I genuinely wish I hadnt experienced. i felt doomed...there were ghosts and suicide and death and sleep paralysis and other things. what would make me dream of such dark things? i was partially lucid during both. one dream had my dead great grandmother, speaking to me, calling out to me, telling me something. she was comforting me. i wanted to die or was dying, then something made me want to continue living, or someone rather, my daughter.

the sleep paralysis was stronger than usual, longer than usual. i felt like i was actually paralyzed, or like my "mind" had been transported into the body of someone who is actually paralyzed. i tried to leave my body and walk around,but i could not get out. i felt the tingle, as i tried to push my soul through its vessel, but it hit a wall. i tried to move in reality but i could not budge. i could see through my closed lids into my bedroom, but everything was cloaked in shadows. i was sleep but awake but sleep and thought i would never move again.

it makes me uneasy, these nightmares, like the weather and swine flu make me uneasy. this world has been so dark lately, so many babies dying on our streets this month. is this june, is this sun, is this enlightenment, is this summer? or is the world slowly expiring, time crawling toward its end?